A Real Behavior Question

Q. What is the best way for female teachers and administrators to deal with young men who are used to "aggressive" discipline by their fathers?

A. I am assuming as I respond to this that we are not talking about children with behavior problems due to serious autism or developmental disabilities. This answer is written for teachers working with young men who are noncompliant and challenging but capable of understanding the expectations of authority. My example of children smoking was selected because it is an easy behavior to see and is not allowed on any school property.

First let’s analyze what is happening.

Children are secure with behavior patterns they know and understand, even when it is not in their best interest. If a child has learned to respond to aggressive behaviors from a parent, they may wait for you to use the same approach before they respond to you.

WHY? A child learns to listen and watch for cues (voice tone and volume, facial expression, physical movement) to determine how to respond to a request. This is a necessary skill. It allows us to respond appropriately when we are warned about dangerous situations. Someone yelling “stop!” Before we walk into an oncoming car is very different than the “stop!” that you hear when someone wants you to wait for them.

Children who are exposed to aggressive discipline learn an interesting coping mechanism. In order to determine whether or not an adult is serious, a child will pointedly ignore all adult attempts to interact until the adult tone, volume, and actions become violent and aggressive. Once the adult becomes aggressive, the child “knows” he needs to respond. He may comply, run, storm out of the house, take the abuse, or apologize – he will do anything to escape or stop the adult aggression. Obviously, the issue of the initial behavior that provoked the adult is lost the interaction.

For example, a child who is seen smoking may just ignore the adult who is telling him to put out the cigarette until the adult is close enough to have a physical confrontation - at which point the child does put out the cigarette.

In a school situation where teachers and administrators are not aggressive and are not seen as a physical threat – children may not believe you are serious and consequently, they may continue being defiant.

WHAT TO DO
As teachers and administrators you can develop a new set of behaviors that you will use to signal “this is serious” and then teach the children to watch for those behaviors and respond appropriately.

Some examples of new “this is serious” behaviors are:

Teachers talk to a child in a private office when it is serious.
Teachers talk to a child away from all other students when it is serious.
Teachers address the student as Mr. “last name” when it is serious.
There is no negotiation when it is serious.

Some ways to put this in place:

Children are taught to watch for the new “serious” cues.
Every quarter teachers and students will get together to develop or review the school rules and consequences so everyone will know what is serious.
Every child must read or sign a behavior contract agreeing to follow all rules.
Individual teachers cannot change, alter, or reduce consequences for a behavior.


An example of the change:
Old Behavior:
Teacher says to a child smoking with another group of children. “Get back to class, put out that cigarette NOW!”

New Behavior:
The teacher says: “Mr. Parker, walk with me.” (Remember, you have spent hours teaching the children this is the cue for ‘serious’.) Once you are out of hearing of other students or in the office, the teachers says, “You were smoking on school property, you will have in-school suspension for the rest of the day (or what ever the consequence is). I will have your things brought to you (no negotiation).”
The important thing for the child is that they have learned the new cues. The use of the last name, the request to leave the group, etc. They do not have to wait for the voice change or a physical confrontation.