A Real Behavior Question

Q. What is the best way for female teachers and administrators to deal with young men who are used to "aggressive" discipline by their fathers?

A. I am assuming as I respond to this that we are not talking about children with behavior problems due to serious autism or developmental disabilities. This answer is written for teachers working with young men who are noncompliant and challenging but capable of understanding the expectations of authority. My example of children smoking was selected because it is an easy behavior to see and is not allowed on any school property.

First let’s analyze what is happening.

Children are secure with behavior patterns they know and understand, even when it is not in their best interest. If a child has learned to respond to aggressive behaviors from a parent, they may wait for you to use the same approach before they respond to you.

WHY? A child learns to listen and watch for cues (voice tone and volume, facial expression, physical movement) to determine how to respond to a request. This is a necessary skill. It allows us to respond appropriately when we are warned about dangerous situations. Someone yelling “stop!” Before we walk into an oncoming car is very different than the “stop!” that you hear when someone wants you to wait for them.

Children who are exposed to aggressive discipline learn an interesting coping mechanism. In order to determine whether or not an adult is serious, a child will pointedly ignore all adult attempts to interact until the adult tone, volume, and actions become violent and aggressive. Once the adult becomes aggressive, the child “knows” he needs to respond. He may comply, run, storm out of the house, take the abuse, or apologize – he will do anything to escape or stop the adult aggression. Obviously, the issue of the initial behavior that provoked the adult is lost the interaction.

For example, a child who is seen smoking may just ignore the adult who is telling him to put out the cigarette until the adult is close enough to have a physical confrontation - at which point the child does put out the cigarette.

In a school situation where teachers and administrators are not aggressive and are not seen as a physical threat – children may not believe you are serious and consequently, they may continue being defiant.

WHAT TO DO
As teachers and administrators you can develop a new set of behaviors that you will use to signal “this is serious” and then teach the children to watch for those behaviors and respond appropriately.

Some examples of new “this is serious” behaviors are:

Teachers talk to a child in a private office when it is serious.
Teachers talk to a child away from all other students when it is serious.
Teachers address the student as Mr. “last name” when it is serious.
There is no negotiation when it is serious.

Some ways to put this in place:

Children are taught to watch for the new “serious” cues.
Every quarter teachers and students will get together to develop or review the school rules and consequences so everyone will know what is serious.
Every child must read or sign a behavior contract agreeing to follow all rules.
Individual teachers cannot change, alter, or reduce consequences for a behavior.


An example of the change:
Old Behavior:
Teacher says to a child smoking with another group of children. “Get back to class, put out that cigarette NOW!”

New Behavior:
The teacher says: “Mr. Parker, walk with me.” (Remember, you have spent hours teaching the children this is the cue for ‘serious’.) Once you are out of hearing of other students or in the office, the teachers says, “You were smoking on school property, you will have in-school suspension for the rest of the day (or what ever the consequence is). I will have your things brought to you (no negotiation).”
The important thing for the child is that they have learned the new cues. The use of the last name, the request to leave the group, etc. They do not have to wait for the voice change or a physical confrontation.

From Fay Cadwallader - the Token Jar

The Token Jar

Chris Curry often encourages parents to use a token system to help mark the positive behaviors we want from our children and motivate them to do that behavior more. I know that token systems really do work, but had not incorporated one into my home until after my sister and her children moved in with us. Once the honeymoon of living together wore off, the children began arguing and fighting so much that we all were getting irritable. Wanting some peace, I went to Walgreen's and bought a container of poker chips. Then I took out a vase and put it in a central location. I informed the kids that each of them has a certain colored chip/token and that whenever they are caught doing something that is family friendly (or helpful to other members in the family) one of their colored tokens would be put into the vase. I explained that when all of the tokens were in the vase, then the whole family could go on a special outing. (I like activities and would have taken them places anyway, so I just made them work for the outing.) I let them know that tokens cannot be lost because they already have consequences for negative behaviors. I did this because I noticed that kids will give up if they keep losing what they earned. When one child's tokens are all in the jar and they still do family friendly behaviors, they can choose someone else's token to add, thus continuing family friendly practice by helping each other. The kids are much less argumentative now. They share better, assist with chores better, respond without arguing to requests better, speak nicer to each other and help each other more. The kids earn a special outing every 2-3 weeks. It is much calmer at home now and I can say that I enjoy being with them much more now, which makes both home and outings more fun for all of us! Give it a try...it will work!!!

Fay Cadwallader

Raising Children tips

Here are some shopping tips for those of you who may have children who are difficult in the store.
Shopping with children is always an interesting experience. There are a couple of things to remember when you are shopping. First, the “Big Box” stores may have everything we need at one stop but those stores are so over stimulating that even the calmest child can be overwhelmed. Second, the store displays are meant to distract you so it is very difficult to stay focused on what you need at the store and what the children are doing while you are being distracted by a visual sales pitch in every aisle. <>
Everyone needs to learn to deal with the stimulation and the distractions. You probably take a list with you – that helps you stay focused. And you probably have learned to ignore the visual displays and not buy every attractive item in the store. So, let’s teach your children to do that. The important thing to remember when you are teaching a new skill is to practice the skill first. So take your children on a several practice shopping trips.

PRACTICE SHOPPING:

1. Sit down with your children and go over a list of behaviors that you want to see in the store. Stress the “do’s” not the “don’t’s.” Trust me they know the “don’ts.”

<>2. Go to the store and practice the behaviors. Don’t buy anything. Just walk through the store, push the cart or ride in the cart, talk about what you are going to eat for dinner and then leave. Practice not looking at the displays. Repeat the “do” rules. “Eyes need to look where you are walking.” “Stop and look at me when you need to talk.” Go for 10 minutes. No longer. Do that about three times.

3. On the fourth trip to the store take a list of three items that you are going to buy. Go in buy those three items and leave.

Remember – no one, not even you, can break the rules and start wandering around the store or picking up a fourth item. Just get what is on the list and leave.

This will build trust. When children see you picking up extra items or buying things impulsively, they are going to ask you to buy them something. If they see that you only get what is on the list – they will know that the list is what guides the shopping. It will be such a relief for them to know that the shopping will be done when all the items are found and that you will not be walking around the store deciding what you need.

Good Luck.

Welcome to Families Together

Welcome to Families Together!